I’m recommitting, for the 8541th time, to lose weight. Because.
Just because. And because we all know that one chick that got skinny and became an unbearable ass, I’m making you all some promises:
1. I promise to not post before and after pics of myself on facebook.
1a. I also promise no bikini shots, no mini skirt shots, no “check me out, aren’t I a hottie, and you better comment on how smokin’ I am or I will unfriend your ass quicker than a Biggest Loser contestant puts the weight back on” shots in general. Those make me vomit. Plus, I have shitty, stumpy, pasty legs, even when I’m skinny.
2. I promise to not evangalize about the miracle of weight loss. I FUCKING HATE those bitches. I want to cunt punch every single former fatty who preaches, “nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels!” Sure it’s true. It’s also fucking obnoxious.
3. I promise not to rob those around me of their enjoyment by eating like a damn martyr or vocally abstaining from something because, “oh gosh no, I just can’t!” Bleh.
4. I promise not to obsess over putting on a pound or two. Once I hit 10, I reserve the right to freak the hell out and do a juice cleanse.
5. I promise not to become a delusional cougar and hit on your teenage sons. I will stay happily married to the man who loved me when I was fat. He rocks. He’s also earned a hot wife. Plus, let’s face it. Those women are NEVER as sexy as they think they are and who the hell wants to sleep with a teenager?!?
So there you have it. I heard that sigh of relief. You can sleep easy tonight. What promises would you like to hear me make or make yourself?
I will NOT honor any promises asking me to shut the hell up.