The Ugly Truth – Water Aerobics


Water aerobics enjoys a glowing reputation in the world of fatties.

“Low impact! Your joints won’t hurt!”

“Refreshing! You’re in water! You hardly sweat!”

“Fun! Super, super fun!”

“Easy! It’s virtually impossible to get hurt!”

I’m calling BULLSHIT on all of that, except the part where you’re in water. And maybe the joint thing. It’s possible the excruciating knee pain is due to something I did wrong.

A while back, my mom decided she wanted to do water aerobics and I should do it too. And like a moron, I agreed. We were going to take an actual class through my local CSD, but the scheduling worked against us. Sad face here. *not really*

So we got ambitious, did a google search, and found several moves that seemed promising. We cobbled our workout together and printed it out, even slipping the pages into plastic sheet protectors. Bonus points if you’re already prediciting an unhappy ending.

Beach balls? Check!

Pool noodles? Check!

Goggles? Check!

Dignity abandoned? Hell to the CHECK!

Seriously, you guys. My teenage daughter was watching us and could hardly breathe from the laughter. Flailing around in the water, we looked like drunken, mentally- challenged walruses. The best move was something called an “otter roll.” Holding the ball to your stomach, you roll from side to side, much like an otter. The woman in the video made it seem easy!

OH. MY. AQUAMAN. It’s so not easy. I very nearly gave myself a concussion trying to this move. We agreed smaller balls and tighter cores were essential for the otter roll. Not that we’re giving up. We’re simply not that smart. We’re going to master this one if it kills us.

And it very well might.

The other killer? The pike-sculler. Fucking A. This one hurts. You hold your body in a wide v, bent at the waist, legs extended, and use your extended arms to propel you up and down the pool. Sounds easy? It totally is. For the first 10 seconds. Then your abs start whining about being uncomfortable and your arms start bitching about doing all the work. And guess what? You still have a lap and a half to go, sucker!

Good times.

We’re doing two evening a week, so if you’re in the mood for a hell of a laugh, come on by. But a word the wise: wear your Depends.

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