No, I don’t look in the mirror and say, “I’m not fat, I’m voluptuous,” or anything like that. That’s not a lie, it’s a malicious fairytale, like thinking “Brickhouse” or “Baby Got Back” really apply to women over 200 pounds. They don’t.
I lie to myself in the mornings. The alarm goes off at 6 am and I hit the snooze. Twice. Okay, three times. But at 6:22, the dialogue begins.
Sleepy Jen: Noooooo
Mommy Jen: If we don’t get up, the morning is going to suck harder than a Dyson.
Sleepy Jen: 5 more minutes.
Mommy Jen: That 5 minutes is lunch making time. Get up.
Sleepy Jen: 4 minutes.
Mommy Jen: Get your fat ass outta bed and wake up the kids, damn it.
Sleepy Jen: 3. In 3 minutes, it’ll be 6:30. That’s a nice even number.
Mommy Jen: EVEN MEANS SHIT WHEN YOU’RE SIGNING THE KIDS INTO SCHOOL AND THE JUDGY-EYED SECRETARY IS ALL ” SUUUUUUUURE, THEY WEREN’T FEELING WELL THIS MORNING. I SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU, YOU LAZY PIG!”
Sleepy Jen: I’ll get up in 1 more minute. I promise.
Mommy Jen: If you get up now, we’ll take a nap when we get home. I swear. No computer, no coffee, just right back into bed.”
And Sleepy Jen, that stupid bitch, falls for it every time. Because she’s tired and wrapped in wonderful sheets. She’s not remembering that yesterday they had this same conversation. She’s completely forgotten that when they got home, Mommy Jen was invigorated by the walk and said, “I just have to check Facebook real quick, and then, we’ll take a nap. Pinkie swear.” They were on the computer for hours. They had coffee. A cup for each of them. They watched Live wIth Kelly and Michael because Mommy Jen has a FAT crush on Michael Strahan and Sleepy Jen doesn’t find him hard on the eyes either. And that was it. Nap forgotten.
Sleepy Jen is gullible as hell, you guys.