Oh, my chickens. Be happy ours is an internet relationship. Part of being bi-polar is inflicting yourself on others when you’re pretty sure they don’t deserve it.
Can you tell I’m in a down cycle?
I’ve been an absolute bear the past few days. Three times now, I’ve had to give myself a time-out because I’m being a grouch. My mother used to tell me I had a choice, that how I felt didn’t have to dictate how I behaved. She was right, to an extent. It only took me 30 years to figure out how to do it too! Yay! But I still find myself mopey, snappy, angry, hungry and a whole host of other PMS dwarves. Ugh. And now, as predictable as the end of the fairy tale, comes the sadness. That unbearable weight that presses me down into my bed, tells me it’s not truly worth getting up, I’ll just screw up even worse than I did yesterday. I have kids, so thankfully, that is not an option. Depression is insidious though. She finds her way around the roadblocks. Would that I have the perseverance of my disease.
I’m finding myself trying to figure out a way out of social engagements that I would usually look forward to. I’m forgetting all manner of important things. My poor husband is trying so hard to help, but there isn’t much to be done. How do you tell the man who loves you,”I don’t need a back rub or for you to take me out to dinner. I need a smack and stern talking-to.”
Like that I suppose. He won’t smack me, but he’s truly gifted at the no-nonsense talking-to. Must be a South Dakota thing.
In the meantime, I’m not sitting in a corner, surrounded by Kleenex. I’m tackling this mucky feeling with a holistic approach. I’m utilizing my phone’s calendar and alarm features for everything. I’m making a true effort to think before I speak. I’ve stepped up the exercise, begun juicing again, and possibly the most important, added prayer to my daily routine.
I’m not praying for God to lift the depression. I’m not asking for anything. I’m just reflecting on His goodness. Too early to say it’s working, but I have faith. And maybe that, in and of itself, is the antidote. Because what is faith, if not the answer to hopelessness?