Reasons to Walk Your Kids to School (Extremely Cursey)

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It’s good for you. The exercise jumpstarts your metabolism. It’s the responsible thing to do for the Earth. It’s fiscally responsible. Your kids talk to you and sing silly songs and generally make you happy you decided to become a parent.

But the best and most compelling reason has to be keeping yourself out of jail.

When I drive my kids to school, it takes twice as long as the walk. I shit you not. Doesn’t seem possible, right? Except it totally is.

We live about a quarter mile from the school, but when I drive, I can’t take the same route we walk. There are so many cars, I can barely make the turn onto the main street. And I have to make a left turn, across traffic. Twice. So I take a longer geographically, but chronologically shorter  route. This one takes me past the middle school. It’s been a while since I did middle school drop-offs, but I’m relieved to say, the parents still drive like brain-dead jackasses. Thank goodness some things will never change. Certainty is so comforting.

I get it. You have to get to work and your teenager is being an ass. Believe me, I’ve SO been there. But when I allow the car in front of you into traffic and pause so that the person turning left can get out as well? That is not a license for you to pull out, blocking me from pulling ahead without blocking the driveway.

And to the person behind Fidiot Number One? If you honk at me again, I will intentionally ram your BMW with my shitty minivan. I fucking mean it. You want to flip someone off? Let me introduce you to Fidiot Number One. She’ll be happy to accept your profanity. I know you’re very busy and important, but I have shit to do too. My kids need to get to school and they’re sort of being asses.

The drop off loops are when we need courtesy and respect the most, you morons.

Fuck all y’all. I’m walking.

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