I was on Pinterest (of course I was), and pinning like mad, gorgeous clothes for when I finally lose all my excess weight and extremely cool steampunk paraphernalia. I came across a dragon ear cuff that made me a little swoony.
My husband commented on it, because he likes to watch while I pin. (Only a little creepy, right? The couple that pins together…) He wanted to follow the link and find out how much it was. I put him off, saying, “It’s not like I’d ever wear it.”
“Why not?” He asked, genuinely baffled.
Um…actually that’s a good question. Why not?
Because I’m 41.
So? Since when is geek something you grow out of?
Because I’m fat.
So? Ear cuffs are a one size fits all proposition.
Because people would think I’m weird.
A week later, it occurred to me that I’ve spent about 35 years denying myself things I really, really love, because people might give me some side eye. I might get a judgmental smirk, or even a comment.
SO THE FUCK WHAT???? I get that anyway, by virtue of my weight. I might as well be judged for my incredibly awesome accessorizing too.
I’m gonna say it. I’m fucking rad. Not in spite of my love of fantasy, sci-fi, all things Whedon and steampunk, but because of it. Jennifer is a weird, wonderful, unique person who loves dragons and octopus jewelry and top hats with tulle and gears and goggles. I’m going to start embracing that, instead of hiding it. Because that is what I want for my daughters. I want them to embrace what they love with joy and abandon, ignoring the small-minded judgment of others. How can I give them that, without giving it to myself as well?
In the end, what does that judgment matter? It only has the power you allow. And bowing to that judgment never satisfies you. It only creates more anxiety, more self-doubt. Flying your freak (or geek, or nerd, or dork) flag is really the only way to finally relax. And really, if someone can’t appreciate the magnificence of a dragon ear cuff that makes me feel like the fucking Kahleesi, then why do I give a flying fairy fart about their opinion? If I love it (and can afford it), I should wear it proudly. I can’t think of a better legacy for my daughters, than to be true to myself. Even if it embarrasses them.
In a better world, this post would end with a picture of me wearing the dragon cuff. Unfortunately, Christmas looms and Santa is considering if he should deliver an Xbox to our house. We also need new dining room chair cushions. So no dragon for my ear. According to many ThinkGeek reviews, it doesn’t stay on anyway.
It’s okay though. At least I’m denying myself for legitimate, grown up reasons, not because I’m worried about looking dorky. After Christmas, my birthday comes. Maybe a spiffy steampunk locket will find it’s way to my neck. If it does, I’ll wear it proud.
Truth be told, that little dragon may just come my way too. You never can tell with Kahleesis. It is known.